Dear Mr Pop
Re: I Wanna Be Your Dog
Having just heard your heartfelt statement featured in the poker scene of a breakthrough British gangster film by “Mr Madonna”, I regret to inform you that after careful consideration I am unable to welcome you as a domestic pet into our family home.
Ironically we are indeed looking for a dog, but are limiting our searches to recognised breeders and refuges for stray and unwanted canines, rather than the management companies of ageing rock stars. I would favour either a pedigree Golden Labrador or an abandoned cross-breed, and sadly not a wizened and ravaged sexagenarian with lank peroxide hair, stripped to the waist to reveal an upper torso ravaged by self-mutilation and years of heroin and cocaine intake.
I am sorry if this is not the response that you desired Mr Pop; however, this is not a decision that I have arrived at lightly. While I am well aware that you are probably house-trained, and I acknowledge the novelty value and “street cred” inherent in being the master of the Godfather of Punk, I am equally au fait with the implications of:
a) the likely reaction that your aforementioned non-canine appearance and “antics” will invoke from my wife, neighbours, visitors to our humble abode, and spectators to your daily exercises in our local streets and park
b) the possible financial burden of future veterinary fees (and excuse my frankness, but I feel that my investment portfolio would bear the brunt of your decades of rock and roll of excess and debauchery finally catching up with you in your final years)
c) erratic or over-boisterous behaviour caused by seeing work colleagues and peers such as Messrs Bowie, Reed and Rotten on the television in our living room
d) bounding, not back to me when I have thrown a stick for your retrieval, but instead into the nearest “moshpit” as you have demonstrated is your wont, at untold festivals and concerts
e) how your new role may impinge upon any outstanding touring and recording commitments
Notwithstanding the above points, I am also confused as to your reasons for such a dramatic change in lifestyle; namely, why you wish to swap your “lust” for your current existence for a craving for “walkies”, begging for treats and tummy tickles.
I would like to take this opportunity to wish you every success in securing a suitable owner in the near future, should you still desire a loving home. I would advise you, however, that if you do indeed re-locate to the UK, you should be aware of your likely apprehension at your destination airport. Strict quarantine laws are still in effect in our islands and you will be vaccinated against rabies and placed in isolation for 6 months in a boarding house. This can be very distressing, although it does have the advantage of curtailing the disappointing activities of your recent “The Stooges” reunion.