Dear Mr Manilow

Re: Bermuda Triangle

I have just heard your Latin-flavoured warning rather flippantly underpinning the commercial break segment of a somewhat sketchy study of the Bermuda Triangle on Sky's Unexplained Channel and felt compelled to write, as it is apparent from your song's content that you have not quite grasped the concept of the mysterious wet shape.
 
Whilst you are perhaps correct in saying that the invisible three-sided North Atlantic zone makes people disappear, an integral part of the phenomenon is that the unfortunates appear to vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.
 
Your particular experience of “Mother Nature's Deadliest Secret” (to quote the programme’s “voice-over” artist) appears to be watching your partner sitting on another man's blanket on the beach, then going for a swim and chasing after him.
 
I can assure you that although regrettable, your account would not pass muster as a classic “case-file” on several counts; there is firstly the absence of any of these:
 
An implied alien abduction
 
Anti-gravity
 
Compass failure
 
An “intergalactic vortex portal to another dimension beyond conventional sciences” current wisdom' (to once again quote the man above)
 
The opportunity for a documentary to illustrate a point using some film of an unspecified piece of sea with a slow motion bath plug hole layered over the top of it.
 
Also, your (I assume now to be former) other half is not technically missing; she merely walked to a different part of the seaside with another sunbather and is hence not of interest to cable television producers.
 
That said, the success of your hit does suggest a gap in the market for songs about the demise of relationships in the vicinity of dubious paranormal hot-spots. May I therefore suggest that your next project be a “concept album” featuring themed movements where you become estranged from your female companion at such sites as Loch Ness, “Roswell”, Paul O'Grady's Most Haunted, and the bus stop closest to mine through which the number 38 to Winton is supposed to pass although I am yet to see it (sorry just my little joke!!)

I wish you well

Yours

Wilf Turnbull

 

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