Dear Mr. Michael


Re: Last Christmas

I am most disturbed by the central premise of your seasonal “tear-jerker”.


It would seem from the text that you are either gifted with a detachable cardiac muscle that does not render you deceased when dislodged, or you have two or more hearts, as Phil Collins also dubiously claimed.


In either event, you appear to be frittering away organic circulatory agents willy-nilly to any (confusingly female) suitor that takes your fancy in a winter resort. This is indefensible. While I do not question that coalesced endocardial tubes continuous with a dorsal aorta and a vittelo-umbilical vein suitably wrapped with a note saying “I Love You” may be preserved effectively in Alpine climes, the object of your gift is a healthy paramour, who is not even “someone special”. Surely a would-be transplantee in such dire need of its installation as to be on the “edge of heaven” (i.e. close to death) would be a more appropriate recipient.


To exacerbate the scenario, it appears that the unwanted tissue was then foisted by the ungrateful skier upon a third party on Boxing Day and then recovered by yourself at a later date. I must say, Mr Michael, that if I were blessed with multiple hearts I would be availing myself to the most eminent physicians in our land as a specimen to be examined for the possible enhancement of mankind, not wasting my time throwing snow balls at other “casuals”.


A more grisly option is that you have pilfered surgically removed hearts from a hospital or other medical facility, and with this in mind I shall be contacting such authorities, alerting them to be vigilant against any unshaven intruder loitering in their outhouses, who may be trying to manhandle an organ other than his own.


I do hope, however, that there is a reasonable explanation for your rather surprising description, and would like to wish you a very happy Christmas, or should I say “kala khristuyena”!

Yours seasonally


Wilf Turnbull

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