Dear Toto Coelo

Re: I Eat Cannibals

I regret to inform you, Coelo, that I am most disturbed by the lyrical content of your quasi-tribal musical offering. Despite the admittedly pleasant melody and rather hypnotic “drum-beat”, I must object to your avowed pride in your macabre diet.

Moreover, cannibals are the diners of human flesh, rather than the dinees; they are by definition likely to eat you, and not vice versa. If, however, your claim is correct, I would like to point out that two wrongs do certainly not make a right!

Aside from my objections concerning the legality and ethics of your actions, I would take issue with comments such as "Healthy recipe, what you got it's good for me" and "Looks trim, vitamin, forget the dietin'". I am by no means a qualified doctor, but I have heard that human meat contains certain bacteria which are harmful, and feel that your claims to its nutritional benefits are frankly abhorrent.

Perhaps “Ros Holness”, a member of your savage cult I believe, recalls her father, Bob, hosting an unusual quiz on television in the1980s. If Ros and her vile tribe are feeling peckish in future, I suggest they avail themselves of the delicious and morally neutral substance of “Honeycomb” which the “Blockbusters” board evokes so clearly.

I look forward to a considerable improvement in the quality of your lyrics, and eagerly anticipate your forthcoming release, “Mucho Macho”.

Yours

Derek Philpott

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