Dear Was Not Was
Re: Walk The Dinosaur
Just last week I had to carry our budgerigar's cage from the radiogram in the lounge to our kitchen worktop, so as to gain access to our net curtains and bring them down for cleaning, as they were a bit grubby. As every schoolboy knows, prehistoric animals were the evolutionary prototype for the bird, so perhaps I was not too far off “walking the dinosaur” (derived from the Greek “deinos”, meaning terrible, and “sauros”, lizard). However, you have expressed a literal desire to attempt to undertake what is in my opinion a ludicrous task, presumably with the animal on some kind of industrial strength leash. Fortunately, Don and Dave, your scheme is rendered impossible by its ill-researched chronological aspect.
I am rather surprised to be entertaining such a scenario, but let us assume that we and said creatures are both occupying either the Triassic period to the end of the Cretaceous, or the Quaternary one, and are living together at the same time, not separated by 65 million years. If you take it upon yourselves to want to travel on foot, each with one such gargantuan reptile totally within your control, either for recreational purposes or, more worryingly, to try to demonstrate that you are “hard”, you are going to face challenges. Achillobators, Velociraptors, Tyrannosaurus Rex and other sauri such as allo- and carcharodonto- are all likely to either wrench your arms off, dine on your still-living frames, or both, before you can begin your expeditions. Should you be (slightly more wisely) considering strolling with a more docile, herbivore breed, it is difficult to imagine that a diplodocus or brachiosaurus could be kept still for long enough to slip a vast collar around its neck. If you did manage it, I believe that not only would your 'charge' be oblivious or ignorant to any efforts on your part to steer or manoeuvre it, through verbal commands, jerks or other pressure upon its lead, but that it would be directing your course and not vice versa. It must also be borne in mind that these vegetarian sauropods are under constant threat of ambush from their aforementioned meat-eating cousins, and are prone to stampede when being hunted. “Your” ones will surely not give a fig leaf about you as they frenziedly stomp away from their hungry attackers, in the process tossing you around like rag dolls, dashing and dragging you to your certain demises.
In short, please reconsider your position. If, however, you are hell-bent on sub/dom pedestrian activity with extinct life forms, I suggest that in future you restrict yourselves to affiliations with obsolete species more within your handling capabilities and closer to your size, so as to avoid the pitfalls previously outlined. In line with this less ridiculous plan, future excursions into “funk lite” may be entitled 'Perambulate The Quagga', 'Dawdle The Dodo", "Saunter The Great Auk" or "Ramble The Crescent Nail-Tailed Wallaby".
(with help from neighbour Derek Philpott)
Reply from David Was, received 23/10/2013
In your far too
(The utter Gentleman that is David Was suggests that if you have enjoyed our exchange and would like to show your appreciation you are more than welcome to make a wee donation via the forwarding of all tax-deductible monies to the Bill and David Gates Foundation, which supports initiatives in education, world health and population, and community giving in the Pacific Northwest. He has informed his estimable partner Willy to earmark said contributions for sustainable satire programs worldwide)