Dear Typically Tropical

Re: Barbados

I recently became aware of your intention to visit your girlfriend in the Caribbean. The message is delivered in a jaunty, upbeat style, presumably as you are feeling excited about your forthcoming adventure. However, Messrs Tropical, I feel I must warn you of a rather serious drawback regarding your planned holiday.

Despite detailed investigation, I can find no record anywhere of an airline called “Coconut Airways”, and can only conclude that such a company does not exist. It is to be hoped that you have not as yet paid any kind of deposit, and I would strongly advise making alternative transport arrangements. Indeed, “Captain Tobias Willcock” would also appear to be a fictitious character, with a bogus accent (possibly Welsh). Even were he to be actual Captain (unlike Tenille's partner, and Sensible), his antiquated request that passengers refrain from smoking until the aircraft is airborne leaves much to be desired.

I am sorry to bear such disappointing news, and hope that you are not too inconvenienced. There are several reputable and real airlines which I am sure would be able to fly you to see “Mary Jane” in Barbados, although the cost of such a trip may be rather steep. In addition, as you state that you work as a bus driver in Brixton, please bear in mind that you are entitled to only 25 days of paid leave per calendar year.

Yours sincerely

Derek Philpott

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