Dear The Wurzels,
My understanding from BBC Wiltshire is that much of the nation’s farming community is bemoaning its current subsidy-strapped plight. Your purchase of a brand new ‘blingy thresher’ in said climate as opposed to a perfectly functional second-hand model, and your gleeful pop-chart boasting, is therefore ‘not on’.
You have also clumsily revealed also that you often guzzle apple-based fermented brewings, namely cider. 'I drinks in every day, ooh arr', you furthermore foolhardily divulge. Given that arable chores are most effectively conducted in daylight hours, it necessarily follows that you are saddled in a contraption consisting of rapidly propelled oscillating razor sharp blades of 10 foot plus in length while totally 'refreshed', as I believe you pop stars' publicity people call being completely sozzled.
I Bid You Good Day, Sirs!
Dear Mr Phillpott,
Thank you for your letter; it's nice to know that you've taken the time to scrutinize our lyrics in context of the current agricultural climate.
Clearly you're not a farming man and you probably think that the main purpose of a combine harvester is to harvest crops? Well, yes, yes it is, BUT, what do we use it for the rest of year? Simple; cruisin' round for crumpet like Snoopiddy Dog-Dog.
Ya see, round these parts if you wanna go wooing the ladies you need to impress 'em with summat special, and there ain't nothing more likely to make a dear ol Mabel go weak at the knees than rumbling by in a gert shiny combine harvester.Now the fact that you reckon a second-hand model would do the trick says as much about your penny-pinching approach to romancing as it does the low standards of the "ladies" you'd be trying to excite.
Furthermore, you needn't worry about the intoxicating effects of scrumpy on us; we're not like those festival lightweights who have a couple of pints of the crazy apple and end up piddling in their own welly boots. We've been drinking it for so many years it no longer has any alcofrolic effect, we actually consider it one of our '5-a-Day'.
Anyway, hopefully this has soothed away your worries.
All the best,