Dear The Undertones

Re: My Perfect Cousin


''He always beat me at Subbuteo
Cause he flicked the kick and I didn't know''


I am perplexed, The Undertones, given your assertion that Kevin always beats you at Subbuteo by flicking the kick without your knowledge and stealing victory. The implication appears to be that your opponent has used his thumb and forefinger to make direct contact with the ball rather than complying with Subbuteo rules clearly stating that these shooting digits should be placed behind one of the mounted semi-circular based mounted effigies representing his team, which should act as the intermediary between human and sphere.


In response I have no alternative but to enquire of you how it could suddenly have transpired that you now know that your flawless relative opponent committed this contravention, if at the time you were oblivious to it. Please also forgive my slight curtness in also stating that even if the Lilliputian soccer simulation atrocity can be proved, it is perhaps your own 'look out' for not keeping your eyes on the field of play in an unadjudicated match, and I have little sympathy for you.




D. Philpott


Reply from Damian O'Neill, received 2/7/2014


Dear Mr Philpott,

I thank you for your recent correspondence.


As co-author of ‘ My Perfect Cousin’ I feel it is within my rights to endeavor to give you a fair and balanced reply.

Whilst your lack of sympathy over cousin Kevin’s mis-use of the subbuteo rules is duly noted, I nevertheless congratulate you on your astute observance and assumption that my cocky blood relative did indeed commit, as we say in football parlance

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