Dear The Singer From ‘The Beat’

Re: Mirror In The Bathroom

Thank you for your kind request, which I must politely decline. When dining out accompanied it is my usual custom to engage my hungry companion in polite conversation rather than discourteously watching myself eating via the medium of a glass table.

Moreover, please forgive me for stating that, even if I were to accept your lunch invitation and indulge in the etiquette flouting activity on offer, it would surely be a reflection of and not my actual self that I would be vainly perusing. To the best of my knowledge , the latter viewing opportunity only arises in documentaries aired on Sky’s Unexplained Channel by poorly ladies and gentlemen on operating tables ‘astrally projecting’ to the ceiling. The re-constructions of such ‘true events often recounted by recovering patients bought back from the brink of death’ are stark but effective, featuring, as they invariably do, a television camera being lifted above an actor portraying the hapless ill person before a torch is shined directly into it to illustrate Heaven.

I must confess that the circumstances essential to the invocation of such a vantage point are highly likely to seriously inconvenience The Copper Skillet, Church Street, and Chez Fred on Seamoor Road. My wife Jean and myself are well known patrons of both establishments and find the staff and customers at each to be both friendly and welcoming, hence I would be extremely reluctant to be a burden at either as a result of undergoing an out of body experience, especially during a busy lunchtime.

Whilst writing, I would be most grateful if you could kindly send our regards to your Two Tone work colleague Ranking Roger, whom Jean is sure that she witnessed at our local Costcutters last Wednesday. The ‘skanking toaster’, or at the very least somebody bearing a striking resemblance to him, was amply living up to his monicker by arranging prawn mayonnaise sandwiches according to their sell-by dates, with those soonest to ‘go off’ displayed to the fore of the chilled cabinet for obvious reasons. Far from being a rude boy or ‘Too Nice To Talk To’, Mr Roger very politely moved aside when asked to do so in order that she may reach a reduced to clear pasta salad.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find an alternative dining partner for this Saturday and wish you and the rest of The Beat all the best in your future career.

Yours faithfully

Derek Philpott

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