Dear The Pet Shop Boys

Re: Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)


I recently heard your jaunty ‘synth’ hit featured in the closing credits of a television documentary that ‘lifted the lid’ on insider trading within the FTSE 100, and, whilst flattered at your rather novel recruitment attempt, harbour no few reservations pertaining to our potential entrepreneurial partnership.

Firstly, although in principle I am always open to ideas as to how to augment my income (currently but a modest state pension and RPI-linked civil service superannuation scheme), I was also taught early in my professional life as an apprentice proofer that in business first impressions count, hence to state that your car is parked outside and you are afraid it doesn’t work does not bode well; reliable transportation is integral to the success of any fledgling enterprise. I am also less than enamoured by your ability to think on your feet; the usual channels through which one would normally expect to be informed of a broken down vehicle in one’s allocated parking space are in my experience a knock on the door or a note through my letter box, whereas yourselves Tennent and Lowe have chosen to repair to a ‘Recording Studio’ (presumably via alternative transportation) to so alert me.

Furthermore, if I am to assume correctly, my personal role within the proposed venture would be that of an ostensible ‘handyman’ of some description, given that you are ‘looking for a partner, someone to get things fixed’. Sadly, intermediary woodwork skills aside, my past attempts at electrical, light plumbing and "odd jobs" have been middling at best, hence I feel that ‘it’s a sin’ to impersonate a master factotum

My final misgiving relates to the amount of time and resources you will be able to practically devote to a third career, given that already have two, namely those of being popstars and running a pet shop.

In summary, I sincerely hope that you do not consider that I am ‘being boring’ or discourteous in the declinature of your proposals, however contrary to your lyrical seminar, I have thought about it seriously and it does not make sense

I wish you luck in locating an alternate candidate, should you so desire one having considered my observations at length

Yours

Derek Philpott


P.S. Our cat is becoming in dire need of some flea treatment and we would be pleased by way of recompense to my polite refusal to purchase some ‘Frontline’ from your outlet if your prices are reasonable and we are able to procure the parasite combatant at a competitive price. If however your outlet is situated in the Bournemouth locale, we would be happy to visit it personally, whereupon we would fully expect to witness Mr. Lowe standing motionless behind the till whilst yourself Mr. Tennant attends to customers on the shop-floor, in deference to your trademark stage performances

 

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