Dear The Kursaal Flyers

 

Re: Little Does She Know

I was sorry to hear of your partner’s perceived duplicity at the launderette, especially so soon after seeing Jilted John similarly troubled on Top of the Pops 2. I fear however that although my first impression was that I too ''didn''t like what I see'', in your own case this may all come out in the wash!

I cut my pinky on a bramble last week whilst doing some gardening and now seem to be having some trouble gripping anything firmly due to it still being a bit sore. Also my wife Jean says that it is fairly difficult to take a load out of our Hotpoint all at once without at least some smalls or, most recently, yellow socks spillage. I would therefore suggest that you shouldn’t be getting yourself in a ‘lather’ about, if you will pardon the expression, your significant other dropping her underwear and two piece swimming costume and forgetting her detergent; ‘butterfingers’ and absentmindedness alone are not proof of infidelity. Indeed, if I may be so ‘Bold’, the fact that she is also sharing a dryer with a man in a tie-dye is not, if you get my ‘Dreft’, evidence that she is be-’Daz’-zled by his charms; you may take ‘Comfort’ in the distinct possibility that either all other machines were taken, or as can be assumed by the gentleman’s Woodstock-inspired outfit, he is one of these hippy types and is trying to save the planet and his spare change by sharing a drum with another customer.

If anything we are more concerned about the bikini, the one that you bought her from Rome. An ‘’A(e)riel’’ view on bingmaps.com indicates the nearest ‘’Surf’’ and ‘’Tide’’ to be found at no nearer than 23 miles from the Italian capital, on the coast of Fregene. Unless you spent your pocket money (ooh pocket money) at a large department store, we fear that this small business may be doomed to failure.

 

But I digress. All things considered, your imagination may have ‘spun’ out of control and we suggest you put yourself through the wringer no further. We propose perhaps a platonic meeting with the young lady whence your suspcions can be laid on the line without hanging her out to dry.

 

Yours

 

The Philpotts

 

 

Dear Messrs Philpott

Re: Little Does She Know

I am replying on behalf of my former beat combo, the Kursaal Flyers.

As someone who has co-written over one-and-a-half hits, I was most flattered to receive your communication and the probes contained therein. I admit that the line ‘I didn’t like what I see’ is grammatically unacceptable as it does mix past and present tense within the same clause, but hey – let’s pause - the lyricist does occasionally need to take grammatical liberties in order to strike a perfectly masculine rhyme (‘me’ and ‘see’ in this case). And, as there have been numerous examples of lamentable grammar in the hit parade, one feels somewhat vindicated. Furthermore, there is a desire to get the job done in a timely fashion, i.e. before they take the towels off the beer pumps, which back in those days was 6pm (Mon-Sat, 7 on Sun).

On another topic, I’m sorry to hear about your gardening accident, which luckily did not prove fatal (as I’m sure you are aware was the case with the consequently late John ‘Stumpy’ Pepys). However, I note a spin-off benefit, namely that you may be excused from assisting your wife Jean (Hi Jean!) with keeping the household clean. You are indeed fortunate to own a domestic washing machine. Many of us have to visit a ‘launderette’, where those of a self-conscious disposition have to cunningly set their ‘smalls’ inside a giant beach towel to escape the attention of voyeurs. But however careful one might be, there is always the possibility of an underwear item, or a bikini, say - if you’ve been on said cay - falling loose from the main caboodle.

As regards ‘drum-sharing’, well… it does go on; The Big Figure once borrowed my floor tom-tom for Dr Feelgood’s appearance on The Old Grey Whistle Test, but like your good self, I’ve digressed. You are talking here, I think, about a spin dryer component in which laundry is rotated and rendered dry. Said ‘spin dry’ contraption, as referred to in the song, was so wide in diameter that it would have seemed defiant not to share the facility with a fellow client, in this case ‘a guy in a tie-dye’, although the acceptability of such an arrangement always depends on both parties reaching agreement on a suitable heat setting.

With regard to detergent generally - and as an observation - the small packets offered in launderettes are often quite costly, and therefore some of us prefer the BYO option, which also allows for the detergent brand of one’s choice, usually more fragrant and softer on delicate fabrics than the cheap yet paradoxically expensive alternative from the operationally unreliable vending machine. But this does not prevent the absent-minded customer from having to abandon his or her own detergent products tout suite, especially when having to ‘make for the street’.

Before signing off, I must congratulate you on your pun count. I was truly Astonished!

With warm regards,

 

Will Birch, October 2016

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