Dear The Kings of Leon

Re: Sex On Fire

The impersonation of a monarch is the most treasonable offence known to man. Thankfully for you, no places called Leon, namely those in Antarctica, both in Castille and Galicia (Spain), Jujuy (Argentina), Distrito Federal (Venezuela), Camag├╝ey (Cuba), Iloilo Province (the Philippines), Aquitaine and Sainte-Gemme (France), Guanajuato (Mexico), Nicaragua, Antioquia, (Colombia), Potosa (Bolivia), Guayas (Ecuador), Matanzas (Cuba), Niamtougou (Togo) and Idaho and Nez Perce County (both in the United States) have a Royal Family. This fact prevents you from being hung, drawn and quartered, or beheaded, but also reveals your ignorance in these matters. Even were your sovereignty to be legitimate, it is not possible for more than one head of state to reign at the same time, unless you are from ancient Sparta (which of course had a most unusual dual monarchy). “The King of Leon and His Three Nearest Relations in Line To The Throne” would therefore have been a more hierarchically accurate mantle for your ensemble.

I am also rather alarmed at your advocacy of combustible copulation. I cannot see how the intimate union of a man and a lady could generate sufficient friction so as to induce such a catastrophe. If indeed such inferno-inducing intercourse were possible, I wonder if you have stopped to think what this information could do in the hands of amorous arsonists, perhaps eager to “use somebody” for pyrotechnic purposes.

I regret to inform you that my neighbour Derek Philpott's grandson used to be very “into” you, but asserts that you have not been as impressive since you became clean-shaven. I therefore urge you to readopt your hirsute appearances; not only to increase the quality of your “output”, but perhaps to remind you, that as adults, your responsibility is to check your facts thoroughly

Yours

Wilf Turnbull

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