Dear The Electric Prunes,
It was very windy last night my voltaic dried fruit friends, and I was awakened many times up until "About a Quarter to Nine" by overgrown fronds knocking against the bedroom window.
I am therefore very grateful to you, as upon awakening I heard your excessive sleep derived imagery ''garage classic'' coming from my son's bedroom; he was staying over with his wife after a "Long Day's Flight" from a Cyprus holiday before returning home.
The imaginative name of your ''psychedelic combo'' reminded me that, rather than lopping off the superfluous shrubbery with my rusty old shears(which were ironically in my own garage), a less energetic option was indeed open to me. I had completely forgotten that I had recently bought from Ebay, "Sold to the Highest Bidder", a Bosch AHS 41 Accu Cordless Hedge Trimmer (14.4V) and was able to therefore indulge not in manual snips, but far more effortless electric prunes.
I regret to advise however that you could not have ''had too much to dream last night''. During a recommended eight hours' slumber they tend to vary between two or three seconds to about half an hour, normally occurring (and by this one does not mean a particularly long concert by Mr. Stipe and his cohorts) in the typical two hours of R.E.M.. By your own admission, that you were only dozing last night as opposed to all day and all of the night, it is therefore not possible that over-abundant snooze hallucinations have happened.
I sincerely hope that you do not mind me 'raisin' this issue, that I do not look like a right plum*, and that in reading this letter your patience has not gone, gone, gone
* Noun (UK colloquial) meaning idiot
As you might have guessed by now, that tapping at your window pane was not fronds but the ghost of Nikoli Tesla banging to get his negative ions back. The feedback loop got him to the world on time but …. now what? It’s not fair! The footnote in your letter reveals all along we have been the Electric Idiots in the UK (no wonder we couldn’t get on the charts!).
Tell your son Cyprus is not a place to hideaway or wind up your toy; in fact we have noticed over-winding can result in your bangles being dangled! On that note: we are canceling your order for the Bosch AHS 41 pruner as it does not contain the mandatory “kill switch” found on newer models. This item remains on “recall”. As soon as we can kill a few more models we will forward your order to Dr. Do-Good at the shelter of your choice.
I was going to go off on you addressing me as “The” Electric Prunes but what’s in a name, anyway? Yelling down the hall will only make you purple in the face, not the right place! (wink wink ain’t it hard). Is an electric flag really “electric”? Is a moby grape really a grape? If I have too much to dream will I stagger to the bar in the morning with rusty shears for a hair of the dog? And what about “String Theory”? No one has done anything about that yet? I can see you are a man who never had it better so I’m going to snuggle up with my little olive and keep the selfies in the shadows. Where they belong.
Please lose my address.
James Lowe/electric prunes