DearTasminArcherReSleepingSatellite

Dear Tasmin Archer

Re: Sleeping Satellite

In order to encourage my wife Jean to bake something other than an admittedly proficient and delicious yet ultimately monotonous Victoria Sponge as the routine denouement to our bi-Sunday Roast, I decided on Tuesday to consider investing in a ‘Sky Package’, in order that I may subtly draw her viewing attention to Ace of Cakes on The Good Food Channel and introduce a hitherto absent element of variety into her home-made 'afters' repertoire. It was whilst ‘Ask Jeevesing’ for a suitable outdoor antennae that the ‘virtual butler’ made me aware of your 1992 chart-topper and it's unstable computer chair featuring ‘promotional video’.

I am somewhat affronted by your personal admonishments Ms. Archer, first and foremost that you blame me for the moonlit sky and the dream that died with the Eagle’s flight. I think you will find that it is the sun and not I that should be censured, or, if you will pardon the pun, scalded, for fluorescing the lunar surface which in turn reflects said third party high temperature plasma induced illumination into our nocturnal upper atmosphere, and I can assure you that I had no part in the coaching of or qualification loophole which did indeed permit the farsighted Winter Olympian to dash our nation’s hopes of a medal in the Calgary ‘games’ of 1988 by dint of his last placement in both the 70 and 90 metres ski-jump events.

I think you will also find that celestial bodies or objects launched into space to circumnavigate the Earth or any other space-dwelling mass are not imbued with consciousness and are therefore incapable of being prone to exhaustion or drowsiness, therefore it is not possible for them to doze off. If, however your employment of the word 'satellite' is to be interpreted in the context of a nation politically and/or economically governed by that of a more dominant neighbouring community or an interacting people located in close proximity to a large city, I will concede that a simultaneous and wholly collective nap is a conceivable if practically unenforceable scenario, but not one to which I would have any intention of apportioning irrational condemnation.

Overall I find your jaunty ‘poptune’ to be not displeasing to the ear and it has not gone unnoted that you may be related to my favourite middle-class farmers and peach-based aperitif distillers, but I will thank you to desist from penning any further odes to forty winking implausibilities.

Yours sincerely

Derek Philpott

Reply from Ms. Archer

Dear Derek

Thank you for your letter. I'm very disappointed to hear that you refuse to accept any responsibility for the accusations I have made. The evidence that you are indeed culpable is beyond question and by seeking to invest in a 'Sky package' you have been hoisted by your own petard.

The last time I looked the moon was in the sky and consequently, to avoid any trade description problems, must surely be a part of any 'Sky package' which is offered for investment. Since you are a potential investor it is clear that the goal of capturing your custom has driven the vendors of said package to maintain its availability and thus the presence of the moon has been perpetuated. I suggest therefore that you are indeed to blame, in part if not wholly, for the moonlit sky.

On the second point of liability the Eagle I referenced is obviously not the 'far sighted Winter Olympian' that you pretend to assume it is and I am not fooled for one minute by your diversionary tactics in an attempt to further deflect the first accusation. However I was intrigued by your denial in this regard and on further investigation it appears that the Eagle you refer to was starved of investment in his preparation for the Calgary Winter Olympics. It is clear that if you had chosen to support this poor fellow financially instead of saving your pension for future investment in a 'Sky package' we all may not have had to suffer yet another national sporting disappointment. I hope you are proud of yourself.

Despite your spectacularly poor decisions as a consumer and your cunning attempts to wriggle out of any wrongdoing I must congratulate you on your ability to distinguish the difference between a non conscious body and a sleeping one, something which I obviously failed to do. Perhaps by exercising this skill as a free service to the medical profession you could atone for your past indiscretions and in such circumstances I may be prepared to withdraw the personal allegations I have made against you.

If I may take this opportunity to offer a little advice, instead of encouraging your wife to further develop her cake baking repertoire you should carefully examine the ingredients used in her standard fare. Judging by your state of mind I suspect that she is adding something rather special in an attempt to relieve the monotony of the 'routine denouement' and consequently your Sunday afternoons.

Love and peace

Tasmin=