Dear Paper Lace
As much as one sympathises with Billy’s ''young and lovely fiancee'' imploring him not to be a hero, and irrespective of one’s personal politics regarding the American Civil War, I fear that in certain quarters the justifiably distraught young lady could be viewed as a precursor to Lord ( in this case ‘Lady’) Haw-Haw. Even if Billy had been a hero just for a little while and returned after keeping his ''pretty head low'', his coming back to her could have been construed as a dereliction of duty or at the very least have branded him as ‘the coward of the county'.
As an aside, although it is to be conceded that motorcycles were not invented at that time, I hope you will excuse my suggestion that the Black Eyed Boys, despite their fearsome reputation, would probably be no good at all in the field of conflict. Unless the rubber has worn off on the inside of their goggles, the discolouration around the socket area can only be attributed to them recieving a sound thrashing at the last place they visited.
I hope that you appreciate the points raised within this missive, my tree pulp doilly friends. Although, admittedly, the writer did not ''put all his heart and soul in'', I would be be nevertheless saddened to hear you ''threw the letter away''
Dear Mr Philpott
Thank you for your letter of enquiry, I have no intention of throwing it away as Bill's fiancée did so long ago; my personal considerations for the environment are rather more than she had, so the letter will probably be recycled in a place befitting it's content, namely the loo. After all, it doesn't grow on trees you know.
Further to your remarks about my musical organisation The Blackeyed Boys, I might remind you that as the drummer I am the leader of the gang and it is my intention for the 'Boys' and I to visit your place of residence on our trusty 'Rubber Hummers' and recreate a particular night that occurred in Chicago some time ago, in the heat of a night similar to the summer we are experiencing at this time.
So my hand is up in a moment, not unlike a certain William, beating a big tattoo to your door.
It may be time for you to ask for a volunteer.
Sergeant Philly Hero