Dear Mr. Stewart

Re: It’s Alright (Baby’s Coming Back)

I was delighted to hear your news on the Ken Bruce show today. A missing infant is surely every parent’s worst nightmare and it is sincerely hoped that I can ‘depend on you' passing any salient tips on to Lisa Stansfield now that she has returned from her fruitless global expedition.

I regret to inform you however that your kind offers are unfeasible. We have a reflective warning triangle, purchased at Halfords some years ago for £6.99, which did the job perfectly recently, diverting all oncoming traffic while I tended to a puncture on a B-road to Swindon. Also we keep it under the spare wheel and I think you might find that space a bit of a tight squeeze (even though the Nissan Juke is quite roomy) and frankly I wouldn’t want to damage the paintwork by drilling airholes into the boot.

Also, I am perfectly happy with the facia and display on my Sekonda Chronograph and fear that your proposals would both crack the glass casing (therefore ironically stopping the time without the use of your hands) and place undue weight on my wrist.

Finally, we have a lovely Japanese ‘Orange Dream’ Maple in the back garden which yields a copious bloom in early Springtime, and I would be extremely reluctant to uproot it and replace it with an established pop duo, to say nothing of the inevitable quizzical looks from neighbours over the back fence.

In summary therefore, if you don’t mind, I would prefer it if you would not be, amongst other examples, my danger sign, the numbers on my watch, and my flowering tree, at the time of writing.

I have every confidence in ''your comfort and ease'' in responding to this missive, Mr. Stewart, but must inform you that you will not be able to ''turn me around this time (no, no, no)'' as regards to any of my objections.



Derek Philpott

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