Mr. Stewart's reponses are included in bold type

 

Dear Mr. Stewart

Re: It’s Alright (Baby’s Coming Back)

I was delighted to hear your news on the Ken Bruce show today. A missing infant is surely every parent’s worst nightmare and it is sincerely hoped that I can ‘depend on you' passing any salient tips on to Lisa Stansfield now that she has returned from her fruitless global expedition.

LOOK DEREK (AND DAVE) WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT AN INFANT, THE TERM IS “BABY'S”, AS IN BABY IS COMING BACK, NOT BABIES COMING BACK! Actually it was in the seventeenth century that “baby” was first used as a romantic term of endearment. And it isn't just English speaking people who call each other “baby" the French say bébé to their love or lover and the Chinese say baobei.

I regret to inform you however that your kind offers are unfeasible. We have a reflective warning triangle, purchased at Halfords some years ago for £6.99, which did the job perfectly recently, diverting all oncoming traffic while I tended to a puncture on a B-road to Swindon. Also we keep it under the spare wheel and I think you might find that space a bit of a tight squeeze (even though the Nissan Juke is quite roomy) and frankly I wouldn’t want to damage the paintwork by drilling airholes into the boot.

I’M PLEASED YOU ARE BOTH SAFETY CONSCIOUS BUT A REFLECTIVE WARNING TRIANGLE WOULDN’T BE MUCH USE IF YOU DRIVE OFF A CLIFF , MAYBE YOU COULD LEAVE IT ON THE LEDGE TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE DOWN AT THE BOTTOM INJURED AND TRAPPED WITH THE TIDE OF THE BRISTOL CHANNEL COMING IN ABOUT TO SWALLOW YOU UP!

Also, I am perfectly happy with the facia and display on my Sekonda Chronograph and fear that your proposals would both crack the glass casing (therefore ironically stopping the time without the use of your hands) and place undue weight on my wrist.

IN OUR SONG WE ARE NOT REFERRING TO A PHYSICAL WATCH THE WHOLE VERSE:
I'll be (the ticking of your clock).
And I'll be (the numbers on your watch).
And I'll be (your hands to stop the time).
I'll even be your danger sign
IS TALKING ABOUT A LOVER OR PARTNER WHO KEEPS GOING WAY TOO FAR WITH DRUGS AND OTHER STUFF, DICING WITH DEATH , LIVING DANGEROUSLY!

Finally, we have a lovely Japanese ‘Orange Dream’ Maple in the back garden which yields a copious bloom in early Springtime, and I would be extremely reluctant to uproot it and replace it with an established pop duo, to say nothing of the inevitable quizzical looks from neighbours over the back fence.


LOOK, IF YOUR NEIGHBOURS SAW EURYTHMICS STOOD POSING AS A FLOWERING TREE IN YOUR GARDEN YOU COULD CHARGE AN ENTRANCE FEE AND BUY SCORES OF ‘ORANGE DREAM’ MAPLE TREES, PLANT THEM IN YOUR BACK GARDEN OR CREATE AN ART INSTALLATION IN A FIELD AND MOVE US THERE SURROUNDED BY ‘ ‘ORANGE DREAM’ MAPLES, CALL IT "ORANGE DREAM”, CHARGE A BIGGER ENTRANCE FEE AND PEOPLE COULD WANDER AROUND THIS MAZE OF WONDER TILL THEY DISCOVER US IN THE CENTRE, STOOD STILL LIKE GILBERT AND GEORGE'S LIVING SCULPTURES.

In summary therefore, if you don’t mind, I would prefer it if you would not be, amongst other examples, my danger sign, the numbers on my watch, and my flowering tree, at the time of writing.

I have every confidence in ''your comfort and ease'' in responding to this missive, Mr. Stewart, but must inform you that you will not be able to ''turn me around this time (no, no, no)'' as regards to any of my objections.

LISTEN , TAKE MY ADVICE AND CREATE “ORANGE DREAM”. FORGET ABOUT TRYING TO INTERPRET OUR STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS LYRICS AND GET IN ON THE CONCEPTUAL ART SCENE , BECOME SITUATIONISTS LIKE MICHÉLE BERNSTEIN, GUY DEBORD, AND ASGER JORN

Yours

 

Derek (and Dave) Philpott

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