Dear ''T.V. Smith'' from The Adverts

Re: Gary Gilmore's Eyes

Although initially sympathetic to your dreadful quagmire that was the kerastoplasty leading to the gift of sight by way of an executed scofflaw, I regret that even the most perfunctory research into the events surrounding the expiry of said malefactor and his subsequent corneal donation contrasts with your version to such a degree that you may have either suffered the discombobulation sometimes associated with an administration of a local anaesthetic intrinsic to the operation,or may be accused of peddling, if you will pardon the pun, a 'tissue' of lies.

Assuming for a moment and for the sake of conjecture that you are speaking the truth, I can only despair at the ignominious unprofessionalism exhibited by the physicians engaged in the condemned felon bestowed visual perception surgery itself, and also the abysmal peripheral medical personnel aftercare service. As even the most benighted viewer of 'Holby City' will attest, The Hippocratic Oath would forbid the divulgence of any personal information pertaining to the original, in this case, lawbreaking, ocular nerve user, to the donee, under any circumstances. This serious ethical breach is further compounded by the unconscionable demeanor of the practise nurse on duty (whose abecedarian medical training relating to bedside manner, which demands an unstinting retention of composure and the suppression of all displays of emotion which may elicit convalescent malaise in what is already a highly stressful milieu, leaves much to be desired) and the aloof practitioners who seem to be arbitrarily circumventing your bed. If, as I suspect, there have been other historical concerns raised against such malpractices as a 'sister' looking anxious and quivering in fright and doctors who complicitly avoid their recuperating charges, then I would be highly alarmed if such a litany of derelictions had not been already promulgated to the Patient Advice and Liaison Service, resulting in a suspension of all ophthamology at the hospital pending thorough investigations by the Care Quality Commission. That the reaction of the staff is probably denotative of a dispatched trangressor sensory organ transfer's unknown perniciousness (which should have abrogated the procedure in its preliminary stages on moral grounds) only fortifies the pressing need to truncate the department's ineptitude.


In relation to the transplant itself I regret being unable to afford you the luxury of postulative indulgences, on account of its methodology consolidated by the concise chronicling of the case in question.


Contrary to your chorus, the light-reflecting cornea, accounting for roughly 66% of the eye's entire optical strength, is the only element vital to an implantation given that it is fused onto the heir's pre-existing ball. Although you are correct in stating that the defunct convict furnished his observation apparatus sight to a third party, the post-fatality bequeathment was not to ameliorate anatomical erudition for the benefit of mankind as you claim, but to help two people who were presumably squinting a lot. To deduce that you are one of them specifically because you have heard on the evening news that a ''murderer's been killed and donates his sight to science (sic)'', is analogous to watching The National Lottery Live and summising that you have won without checking your ticket, simply because the Draw has taken place. In addition, it is clearly documented that both oculi segments were adhered into their new beneficiaries a few hours after being enucleated from the recidivist's cadaver following his Utah-hosted morning demise. The flight duration from Salt Lake City International to Heathrow of 11 hours, allied to the peeling off of bandages (suggesting that the aciurgy had been performed some considerable time prior) just antecedent to the topical bulletin, unfortunately leads one to ratiocinate that your reasoning is indeed illogical on all grounds.


Even if the above-outlined perpetrator liquidation aftermath chronology had been linear, Mr. Smith, and it could be verified beyond doubt that you were his 50% viewing ability inheritor, you would at best be looking through part of one of Gary Gilmore's eyes.

Forgive me also for pointing out my concerns relating to your supposed amelioration. Firstly, when Noel Edmonds introduced The Adverts on, ironically, a non-commercial television channel recently, you were clearly wearing thick-set spectacles of an excessively dark tint, strongly suggesting that without them you would have been wincing in the Top Of The Pops 2 studio light. Also, I can only posit that there must have been a great many complications affiliated to the grafting, which is usually undertaken simply by numbing the sphere in it's socket, administering a sedative to its ówner, affixing the iris coating and sending them home. Both the enforced hospitalisation and above neck mummification that you recount are normally completely unnecessary, unless of course the infirmary is engaged in unorthodox applications which, culpable with the afore-referenced complacency of its infrastructure, are sufficiently negligent to explain why your vision has only slightly improved, if at all. If you have not already considered the 'laser route' or simply wish to consider a stronger prescription, I would be happy to recommend Arian at Dexter’s Opticians in Southbourne Grove.

The entire foundation of your song is built upon on a skewed polemic Mr.Smith, namely that the incorporation of a wrong-doer's body part(s) into one's own could somehow besmirch the recipient with their personality, characteristics and/or memories. Arguably, in the case of cerebral matter, there may well be a metaphysical case to answer, albeit a contentious one. However all other anatomical corporeity, not being sentient, cannot exert such influence. Eyes are simply lenses converting received light into data transmitted to the brain, nothing more. It is therefore as safe to look through Gary Gilmore's eyes as it is to use garden shears with his hands or remain compassionate with his heart.

Finally I hope you will forgive my cliched supposition that, being a 'punk rocker', your social ideologies would be at variance with undergoing privately funded treatment. Assuming this to be the case, the antithetical acts of you smashing a light in anger and pushing 'your' bed against the wall delineate an ignominious paradox. I too am from a working class background and thus wholeheartedly ratify the proletariat benignancy underpinning the constitutional foundation of the NHS. Therefore, with resources already stretched to breaking point, this ward entrance berth barricade and profligate bulb decimation (to say nothing of the reference to the frame actually belonging to you when in fact it is the property of the state, funded by your fellow basic rate taxpayers) could be construed as a disconcerting expose of your egalitarian duplicity.


Derek Philpott


P.S. My wife Jean has light-heartedly asked if you are in any way related to Telly Savalas?




Reply from T.V. Smith Received 13/2/2015



Dear Mr Philpott,


Don't think for a moment that I don't appreciate your exhaustive, if not obsessive, analysis of 'Gary Gilmore's Eyes.'


You have however rather misunderstood the concept of songwriting by comparing it with factual reportage.


Despite your



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