Dear Mr. Gibbons
In your popular patty paean ‘’Burger Man’’ your predominantly razor-shy selves insist that if I need good hot grillin' I should try your burger stand. I am sure that your ''double meat'' squashed sirloin snack would be delicious. However, unless it is cooked by the drummer, or yourself and the other chap have either had a ruddy good shave or you've got nets and know how to use them, I fear the risk of a facial foliage flare up or whiskers in the griddle to be a most unhygenic appetite ‘’Eliminator’’ and one which has ‘’Got Me Under Pressure’’ to dine elsewhere.
Until such time as such a promotional video can be supplied confirming that these Health and Safety measures have been adhered to, one hopes that you will not object to my dining at Wendy's. She is my sister-in law, is cleanshaven at the time of writing, and her baps are the talk of the town over here in Blighty. It is also sincerely hoped that Gordon Ramsey not be exposed to your Southern boogie classic your until said measures have been taken.
Derek Philpott (and Son)