Dear Mr. Astley

My friend from the pub Tony Beasley, an introverted sort, suffered palpitations recently whilst watching a particularly harrowing episode of ''Police, Camera, Action'' featuring a night time helicopter chase all in green and black. The doctors told him he was right to consult them, and as a result to cut back on his nightly Jalfrezis and morning Espressos. I can therefore most categorically confirm, Mr. Astley, that my heart has not been aching but in the event that it were I would most definitely not be too shy to say it; I would immediately consult a medical professional. A bashful demeanour could ultimately prove to be fatal.

On an unrelated note, I heard mention on Jeremy Vine of God and the Devil’s meeting in the local park, and was wondering, what with the proliferation of CCTV and camera phones and the like these days, if there was any footage of this momentous truce on Youtube. Not only would Richard Dawkins be silenced once and for all, but the additional novelty of it featuring a cracker (be it ‘cream’, ‘safe’, ‘Christmas’ or Robbie Coltrane) with a gun is likely to go as viral as the phenomenon that you undoubtedly refer to as ‘’MeRolling’’.

One’s only reservation about this whole Almighty/Beezlebub recreational area summit is that God instructs his erstwhile nemesis to pick his feet and not his hooves up.

I can assure you, Mr. Astley that this is a genuine enquiry and not a ''Cry For Help''.

Yours

Derek Philpott

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