Dear Mr. Weller
Following my purchase of the excellent “Stanley Road”, I decided to visit the very street, conveniently located in Springbourne, Bournemouth, and found the location extremely agreeable. Therefore I decided to embark on further “pilgrimages” to all the locations referenced in your impressive canon of work.
Eton was most pleasing, as was Cafe Bleu in Newark, where I would heartily recommend the Roasted Thai Butternut Squash Soup with Coriander & Lime Crème Fraîche at a very reasonable £4.95. Wardour Street has been admirably redeveloped to the point where one would not have even suspected that an 'A' bomb, causing immeasurable havoc, had ever been detonated there. I was particularly impressed by your perceptiveness regarding Slough. There was indeed a “row” going on down there, between a ticket inspector and a commuter who was refusing to pay a fine; apparently, he had failed to realise that his London Underground travel card was not valid at this particular British Rail destination. However, not all attempts have proved successful; I am informed by Mrs Pam Gardner of the National Trust that there are many Wild Woods in the UK and that I would need to isolate my enquiry to a specific area.
Thus far, sadly, and despite numerous attempts via multimap, directory enquiries, The Great Britain Atlas, Ordnance Survey headquarters in Southampton and the back pages of my diary, I have been unable to find “Malice”; the closest alphabetical match that my GPS system can come up with is “Malinslee” in Shropshire. In addition, I am unsure of the wisdom of visiting this elusive settlement, for the following reasons.
I feel that I may not be entirely comfortable in an environment where “a whole street's belief in Sunday's roast beef is dashed against the co-op”. Firstly, “roast beef” is not a faith whose reality is open to question and can be legitimately discussed. It is part of a cow made very hot, and, unlike miracles and omnipotent beings, can be simply created not only under laboratory conditions, but also in a conventional kitchen oven. Furthermore, the success of this operation is not restricted to it being undertaken of the Day of Rest, as you imply. I am therefore perplexed by how the residents of an entire street can be simultaneously questioning the existence of the heated bovine muscle, and also how this ire is expressed by an act of wanton vandalism directed at the exterior of a convenience store.
I would be most grateful for your guidance and advice on this matter Mr Weller. I am not a man who accepts defeat easily, and would very much like to complete my quest, despite the challenges outlined above. I hope that, as you “pen” your future songs, you consider the convenience of arranging personal journeys to these locations for your enthusiastic aficionados, some of whom I am sure rely on public transport.