Dear Mr. Vee Re: The Night Has A Thousand Eyes

The world's current population is estimated at approximately 6.7 billion, of which number an estimated 40 million (6%) are blind. Unfortunately there are no records to confirm how many animals are on the planet (excluding homosapiens and insects, the latter of which I will address in due course) , however independent sources place the count at somewhere in the region of 500 billion, of which we will assume that a similar percentage to humans are.visually challenged, bringing the figure down to 470 billion. Harvard based Pulitzer Prize winner Dr. E.O. Wilson states on the San Diego Natural History Museum website that there are nearly 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 (10 quintillion) Earth-residing insects, once again, reduced to 9.4 quintillion to allow for those that are bereft of sight. The amalgamation of the above data presents us with a total live optical organ quota of just over 9.66 quintillion, which I have arrived at by applying the following formula:-

Homosapiens = 6.7 billion

Insects = 10 quintillion

Animals not following into either of the 2 above categories = 500 billion

Total = 10,000,000,000,506.7000,000

less 6% allowing for non-sighted entities

= 9,6000,000,000,476,298,000,0 or 9.600000000047629800 quintillion

There obviously exists the temptation to double this result to allow for each organism having being blessed with two eyes, however I am very reluctant to do so, given that:-

a) A significant proportion of the creatures used in the calculation may well not be nocturnal. This factor is integral, as we are focussing our argument specifically focussed within the context of a period during which same are likely to be asleep.

b) The number of said entities (eg., historically, Sammy Davis Jr, Colombo, and, subject to confirmation, the maraca player in Dr. Hook, and Gabrielle) whose visual capabilities have been halved through injury or birth defects, is unknown.

Of course, exponents of The Big Bang Theory would be correct to posit that, if before said large discharge there were none, there must briefly have been a phase where they would only have been 1,000 eyes. However, as this variable has not been specifically addressed in your 'Billboard Smash', it is to be disregarded.

It is also important to note that night is an interval of time during which the sun is below the horizon due to the world revolving. It is a state (by which I do not mean a political movement governing a geographical area, or a mess, but a situation) perpetuated and instigated by gravitational and universal forces, nothing more, and is bereft of intellect or the ability to claim ownership. As such, it is unable to stake a claim upon any material or immaterial matter, including but not exclusive to opthalmic tissue. On all counts therefore I am aggrieved to inform you that your 'Easy Listening Standard' is based upon pure fallacy.

Furthermore, you 'croon' that your suitor has been branded as a 'Runaround Lover' by unnamed third parties. The clear inference of his or her admiration for the Frank Butcher-helmed juvenile 'game-show' is that he or she is errant. I personally fail to see how the televisual observation of teenage children running towards one of three lights representing multiple choice answers and then jumping to another in response to the East End Funnyman's command could in any way be construed as an infidelity, and would welcome evidence to the contrary.

As for the goading of the poor innocent until proven guilty individual viz a vie the 'lyric',

'One of these days you're gonna (sic) be sorry cos (sic) your game I'm gonna (sic) play',

I think you will find that:-

a) the maximum age for contestants is 16

b) even if you could skirt this rule, you are going to look quite 'suspect'

c) Production of Southern Televisions 'fast-moving teatime quiz' ceased in 1981

I could make further points Mr. Vee, including that pertaining to your doubts that your partner is at home when he or she phones you and how this can be easily verified by dialling 1471 at the call's conclusion, but it would be churlish to do so. May I please just courteously ask that you think hard before penning any further post-dusk multi-surveillance-related 'hits', as due to the complexity of the mathematics involved in addressing this one I have missed Midsomer Murders, Countdown, Deal or No Deal. Terry Wogan's Total Recall and Emmerdale.

Yours

Derek Philpott