Dear Mr. Presley

Re: Hound Dog

As my good lady Jean correctly pointed out this morning whilst listening to a local radio ‘show’, your ‘rock ‘n’ roll number’ houses multiple disparities, to say nothing of the slight upon our closest acquaintances and the countless (18) grammatically inappropriate uses of the double negative viz a vie "You Aint Nothing But A Hound Dog", which literally translates to "You ARE a Hound Dog".

Firstly, although we fully concede after watching several installments of both Dogs ‘Borstal’ and ‘Whisperer’ that it is sometimes common for man’s best friend to be perpetually upset, we are equally aware that said discontent usually manifests itself in growling, ‘jumping up’, and attempting to bite an Oriental gentleman. We are yet to see a constantly weeping specimen, therefore question how you can justifiably contrast the imagery of a labrador, mastiff, Welsh Springer or perhaps Jack Russell crying all the time against the (unknown) subject of the piece, for allegorical purposes.

Furthermore, unless we have misunderstood, the inference that you would be averse to forming platonic companionship with any person or persons wholly on the bases that they are of inopulant stock and have failed to ensnare a large-eared burrowing mammal, is highly offensive. Our neighbours Wilf and Olive have served in the public sector throughout their working lives as, respectively, a radio operator (then Civic Centre handyman) and sub post-mistress, and we are proud to know them. Both have eeked out earning a modest yet sustainable wage throughout their careers. Forgive me for being bold, 'The King', but if being socially acquainted to your crotch-thrusting self is conditional upon being ‘high class’ and capturing a defenceless rabbit then I see no reason to veer from our adjacent house-dwellers as both our closest friends and premier bingo partners.

Finally, and if I am allowed to speak tautologically, although there are many 'pooch' strains in current circulation, there is no such breed as a ‘hound dog’; the former word merely denotes an alternate slang word for canis lupus familiaris (singular), hence, employing the same model that by definition would literally translate, for example, 'Swine Hog’ and ‘Ass Mule' as 'Pig Pig' and 'Donkey Donkey', Hound Dog can be accurately interpreted as 'Dog Dog', which is, I think you will agree, a nonsensical composition monicker.

Whilst admiring your elevation from 'trailer trash poster boy' to the the highest monarchical post known to 'twelve bar blues', Jean and I will thank you and Messrs. Leiber and Stoller to observe the above points before conjoining in further collaborative endeavours

Yours

Derek Philpott

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