Dear Mr. Nick Berry

(or: "Mr steal small fruit")
 
Please do not take offence at my little joke Mr Berry as I write with a serious purpose.
 
I regret that your recent uplifting ballad "Every Loser Wins" concerns me rather profoundly. I initially assumed a serious typographical error in your lyric; however, your vocal delivery confirmed that a facile self-contradiction had indeed occurred. Your words will no doubt come as a surprise to those in the sporting community; surely "Every Loser Loses" was your intended message!
 
I am afraid that this has somewhat compromised your previous claim, made with your cohorts (TV's Letitia Dean, "Kelvin" et al), to the effect that you were "gonna make something out of nothing". I must admit that I was initially impressed and intrigued by your intention to actually create matter, thus redefining the accepted laws of physics; however, it is difficult to seriously entertain such a notion in view of the blatant oxymoron outlined above.
 
On a more positive note, my wife and I very much enjoy your portrayal of PC Nick Rowan in ITV's excellent series "Heartbeat". We particularly appreciate the challenge of the "whodunnit" nature of the format, and last Sunday successfully deduced that the perpetrator of the crime was the shifty-looking character appearing in that episode only. I believe that "Harbour Lights" is equally impressive, although for some reason my wife considers it a little derivative. I might suggest, for your next character, "Nick Blackcurrant", a warm-hearted yet highly principled traffic warden, based in a picturesque small town.
 
In view of the above points, Mr Berry, please concentrate on the facts in future, in order to avoid alienating your remaining admirers.

Yours

Wilf Turnbull

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