Dear Mr. Martin

Re: Little 'Ole' Wine Drinker Me

The sales in the U.S. of wine originating from its 4th largest State, California (home to Joe Di Maggio, Tiger Woods, John Steinbeck and Coolio), to all American markets in the U.S. and abroad, currently average around 500 million gallons year on year, with the retail value of same in the region of $18.9 billion, according to the year-end summary in the Gomberg-Fredrikson Report.

It is generally accepted that the consumption from sober of one standard alchoholic drink, such as a 5oz glass of wine (home to 14 grams or 17.74 ml ethanol content by U.S. standards and at an assumed room temperature of 4 degrees celcius) will increase the average person's blood alcohol count by roughly 0.02% (which will re-stabilise to zero about 90 to 180 minutes later, dissipating at about 0.015% ph).

Although in the SI system a gram of pure water is equal to one millilitre (once again at 4 degrees celcius), it may be more accurate (given that the former is a weight measure and the latter a fluid one) to err on the side of the ounce. Therefore, given that a litre is equivalent to 33.8140226 US fluid ounces and the standard bottle or 'carafe' size is 0.75 litres, we can summise that (75% of 33.8140226 being 25.360516 and equal therefore to 5.07 glasses), 4.94 bottles or 25 glasses would be sufficient to achieve a Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) of 0.5%, if binged in rapid succession and not rejected by the imbiber's protesting digestive system.

Effects of BAC range from europhia (0.03 to 012%) to lethargy (0.09 to 0.25%), confusion (0.18 to 0.30%), stupor (0.25 to 0.40%), coma (0.35 to 0..49%), and death (0.50% and above)

A gallon of rouge, blanc or rose is equal to approximately 3.78 litres, therefore this figure multiplied by the aforementioned output of the American State in question (to recap, 500 million) brings us to a total figure of 1,890,000,000 litres. By dividing this number by 25.360516 (representing the afore-mentioed bottle size) we can safely conclude that the amount of consumed bottles that would lead to expiry would be 15,086,092.(based upon 74,525,29 litres divided by 4.94

According to the 2009 Edition of the CIA World Factbook, the average life expectancy of an American male is 75.6 years, and the minimum legal age for the consumption of 'liquor' in his country is 21 years of ago. Therefore, assuming that you are a law-abiding citizen who did not partake of his first alchoholic beverage prior to same being deemed a criminal offence,. and employing the following simple equation:-

Potential drinking years: 54.6 (expressed as 75.6 point of death less 21 teetotal);

expressed in days (54.6 multiplied by 365) = 19,929

Multiplied by 4.94 standard measurement carafes required to achieve a cadaverous disposition = 98,449.26

Therefore; 15,086,092 minus 98,449.26 = 14987642.74 hence fraction
Divided by 4.94 = 3033935.7773279352226720647773279/365 days =
8312.1528145970828018412733625423 (just over 8,300 years) required to consume the perilous daily limit

Indeed, it should also be noted that, even were medical advances to accelerate sufficiently to secure such longevity, and assuming that the State's fermented vine fruit juice manufacture was to continue unabated (without even allowing for an increase in demand reflected by substantial increase in world population), the output of 500 million gallons would be increased to 4,156,076,407,298.541400920636681271 (just over 4 trillion) which is considerably in excess of that capable of being imbibed by yourself, regardless of metabolism and constitution. Ergo, for every year of continued life achieved, the bottled output over-reaching your ingestion capabilities would increase considerably, eventuality stretching into infinity (which could lead to storage problems).

Hopefully the above will exhort you to summise that deity petitioning for wet weather in order to vastly augment pre-raisin distillation is not a measure which needs to be taken, given that ample supplies required to sate your excessive intoxication needs have been more than catered for

In view of these considerable oversights Mr. Martin I hope that I will be forgiven for examining all future 'output' with a particularly zealous scrutiny

Yours

Derek Philpott

 

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