Dear Men Without Hats

I have a friend named Reg Young, who unfortunately sustained a pelvic injury in March, and as such is unable to move freely, or indeed, dance. I am therefore unwilling to accept an offer of companionship from any supposedly exposed scalp Quebecans in view of static persons-alienating proclamations that they can dance if they want to, they can leave my friends behind because my friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they're no friends of theirs, clearly excluding Reg and his ilk from their affections.

 

In addition, it strikes one that the routine that one is being asked to emulate is not “safe” at all; there is no evidence that it has been thoroughly risk assessed by both your purportedly chapeau-shy synth-pop selves and the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), and that suitable control measures have been put in place to minimise the likelihood of a risk being realised. On the contrary, the activity appears rather perilous, for the following reasons:

 

1) it is stated that by indulging in the event, “Everybody's takin' the cha-a-a-ance”, implying risk, which is hardly a happy bedfellow of security.

 

2) it is asserted that “everything is out of control” and that you are of a steely resolve to “act real rude...like an imbecile”; once again, hardly the preconditions of precaution.

 

3) if everybody looks at their hands as instructed, severe restriction of our field of vision will result. Contact and collision, and consequent injury, is surely imminent, especially when travelling at speed.

 

Therefore, it is with regret that I must inform you of my overall disappointment with this hurdy gurdy homage, and that wary that not ‘’everything’ll work out right’’ hope that the work will be retitled ‘’The Jeopardy Jive’’ with immedate effect.

Yours

 

Derek Philpott

 

 

Dear Sir

 

What do you expect from someone who says you can dance if you want to and then won't be friends if you don't?


I do not like the tone of your letter, or the direction in which this whole thing seems to be heading. To tell you the truth, I don't understand most of what you're saying, but in the future if you could limit yourself to much more general questions like:

 

My birthday (October 9, 1957),

 

My favourite colour (blue),

 

or

 

if I could eat only one thing for the rest of my life what would it be (p****).

 

Thank you for your concern,

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Ivan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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