Dear Magazine,

At my son's stag night in 2013 and against my better judgement I became embroiled in a very dangerous drinking game, 'Dragon's Den Down In One' whereby one is required to knock back a potent alcoholic drink every time a 'budding entrepreneur' starts a sentence with ''So''. Feeling decidedly unwell after a particularly inappropriate 'therefore synonym'-laced pitch by an Aberdeen based hipster asking for £40,000 in exchange for a 1% stake in his organically sourced Ukelele business, I spotted with dread glass eggcups brimming with Tequila and Jagermeister repectively at my left and right elbows.

Furthermore, my friend Tony Shoesmith roped me into Paintballing some years ago and I was ambushed under a sycamore, infuriatingly not only by enemy but also ''friendly'' fire courtesy of one of my own team, rendering my fatigues a bizarre and spiteful approximation of The Stone Roses' first album cover. It is my belief now that a portly and balding so-called comrade had been offended by my remarking upon his striking resemblence to Elton John when he put his protective goggles on and consorted (they must have come to a secret understanding) with the opposing foe - from memory, ''Special K-oas'', a quintent of breakfast cereal sales reps - to gaurantee my virtual gelatin capsule impact derived demise. Upon my unjust disqualification, Magazine, I too was shocked to find what was allowed.

Needless to say, in respect of both grisly episodes and despite its splendid melody and execution, your 1978 post-punk classic ''Shot By Both Sides''elicits a distinct queasiness every time it comes on the ''The Best Punk Album In The World ... Ever! compilation CD that my son insists on putting on whenever he is in my Nissan Juke.

Yours

 

Derek Philpott

P.S. I must take issue with your assertion that they all sound the same when they scream. Prior to my pseudo assassination one of them let out a sharp yelp whilst another shrieked ''Leave it out mate, leave it out, leave it out, Jesus Jesus oh God enough''

 

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