Dear Jilted,

Although we were happily married, in our younger days Jean informed me that she was quite taken with the cashier at Midland Bank on the High Street, who bore a striking resemblance to 007 Star Sean Connery. It was plainly apparent however that this was not the suave spy actor. This was not because it was unlikely that the Hollywood star would be asking people if they wanted their money in large or small notes behind a counter in the week. This gentleman had a strong Yorkshire brogue and as any keen film buff knows Mr Connery cannot do accents.

I was never worried about her crush given the strength of our relationship, hence to learn that your own partner Julie told you one night, as you were watching telly, that she loves you but ‘fancies’ Gordon suggests that her affection towards your good self was not as strong as she stated and frankly your coupling was never meant to be.

We are more concerned, however, about the fact that in your distraught state you were able to repair to a fast food outlet and then exit it only to find your erstwhile suitor with your nemesis awaiting public transport. Given that she must have left the premises shortly after you in order to meet him we find it difficult to reconcile how you did not accidentally bump into him coming in the opposite direction or see the ‘cool and trendy moron’ alone at their pre-arranged rendezvous spot on your journey to the fried potato snack outlet.

Of course, it could be argued that when you came out of the chip shop and they were laughing at you at the bus stop, they were doing so because ''that puff'' had been in the house all along.

Notwithstanding this discrepancy, and whilst acknowledging that you’re so upset, you’re so upset yeah yeah, it is recommended that rather than call them rude names on Top of the Pops you may be better advised to put this whole sorry episode behind you and sign up for an account on ‘Plenty Of Fish’*

I trust that I have been helpful in this matter

Yours

Derek

*not a competing chip shop

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