Dear Elvis Costello and ''The Attractions''

''Oliver's Army Are On Their Way
Oliver's Army Are Here To Stay''

No doubt, Elvis Costello and ''The Attractions'', you will recognise the phrase reproduced above as that inaugural to the chorus of your 'Eponymous New Wave Anthem'.

As much as my wife Jean and I enjoy your innovative 'post-punk' sound, we must however admit to being confused as to the actual whereabouts of the informal battalion referred to therein. Given that they are ''on their way''; that is to say, yet to arrive, or were until recently present at your unknown destination and have just left, please advise as to precisely how said marauding troops could possibly be ''here to stay'' at a point which has been specifically referred to as unsettled within during the time of writing.

Furthermore, as regards your claim that you ''would rather be anywhere else'', an amendment in the 'lyric' to ''rather be in most other places'' is required, given your mooted aversion, as alluded to elsewhere in your 'back catalogue', to The Borough Of Kensington and Chelsea.

Finally, given that the unit is referred to as a collective noun, Oliver's Army is on its way, surely, gentlemen.

We are also perplexed with regard to another declaration, vis a vis ''Every Day I Write The Book'' Either one is to assume that a new tome is penned every 24 hours, or that, alternatively, you have been toiling upon the same project, which by your own admission boasts a mere six chapters, for some decades now. The former scenario suggests a work of dubious quality and a disappointed readership, the latter a severe case of writer's block and an exasperated publishing house. Until such time as a literary standard reflective of a realistically befitting time-frame or deadline can be mustered, a continued revenue stream generated by pop concerts and 'festival appearances' alone is to recommended.

Finally, it is with regret that I must request the particulars of your management company and/or legal representatives. Against my better judgement and the manufacturer's guidelines detailed within the handbook in my glove compartment, and in accordance with your dubious instructions on Steve Wright (which I took to be borne of some pop star insider knowledge pertaining to this year's model), I pulled my new Honda Accord into the Murco at Southbourne Grove this afternoon. After popping in to the kiosk for Quavers I then inflated my rear and front tyres by just shy of 52psi, 27 and 22 in excess of the recommended 25psi front/30psi back already within them. Said over-bloating saw all four inner walls ruptured just before Undercover Boss Canada. In the case of each Michelin, to pump it up when I don't really need it has saddled me with an unwanted bill from my mechanic on The Nuffield Industrial Estate totalling £135 non-inclusive of VAT, which i insist upon being settled by your good selves without my resorting to civil proceedings. Whilst fully acknowledging that 'Accidents Will Happen'', on this occasion I fail to see that all four explosions can be attributed to any other than wanton and unqualified advice.

I Bid You Good Day.



Derek Philpott

P.S. "My aim is true," you may claim, but my neighbour Wilf Turnbull is insistent that he spied a bespectacled gentleman and his three cohorts playing Crazy Golf in Boscombe Gardens last week, seemingly proving this rather dishonest declaration; his putting was decidedly inaccurate, and at one point his wild approach shot on the fifth tee ended up in the pond after ricocheting off a miniature windmill.





Reply from Legendary Attraction Bruce Thomas, received 1/7/14


Dear Mr Philpott

I recently became aware of your letter to Elvis Costello and the Attractions. I’m sorry that your observations have so far elicited no reply from my erstwhile colleagues. I fear you may not be aware that his current supporting musicians are

To see Mr. Thomas' full response click here to pre-order your copy of ''Dear Mr. Kershaw - A Pensioner Writes''

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