Dear Dodgy

Re: Good Enough

I hope that you are well. Whilst not wishing to denigrate the ‘feelgood’ nature of your ‘Brit Pop Anthem’, I regret to advise you that, ironically not unlike the literal synonym of your appellation, its cardinal edict is unsound. Please allow me to elucidate.

Over the past few months I have been experiencing a marked escalation in eye strain when solving Sudoku puzzles and observing M27 and M3 LED indicators whilst on trips to see loved ones in Hillingdon. I have this week consulted my optician, who after telling me to look at a cartoon Wendy House on a lawn through a periscope informed me that a simultaneous deterioration in both my myopic and hyperopic ranges is the culprit for my nongermanely squinting at, to quote directly from the work, "what I want to see"; in these cases a sharply focused numbered grid and an overhead dot matrix blackboard a mere two chevrons away (equidistant to 80 metres) advising me to perform an emergency stop if drowsy, instead of blurry and shapeless blobs. Ms. Trivedi recommended lightweight, scratch resistant varifocal lenses housed within a frame of my choosing at a very reasonable £90 and a spare, but by no means substandard ,‘back up’ pair at 50% of the price. I must confide that I found the total price of £140 to be more that “Good Enough For Two".

Part of the reasoning behind ‘upgrading’ to snazzy new spectacles was not solely down to vision deficiency; my next door but one neighbour Gordon Gilliard has invited my wife Jean and myself to a Lion’s Club Dinner Dance next month, to be held at The Durley Dean Hotel, Westcliff Road. It will be a Black-Tie affair, and, although I am in possession of a tuxedo and dress trousers, upon trying them on for the first time in some years last week (their last outing being a similar occasion in 1994 hosted by Willy Rushton, with cabaret by Roger De Courcey and David Copperfield from Three of a Kind) I was dismayed but not entirely surprised to find that successful midriff fastening could not even be achieved via extreme inhalation, which, even were it to have been, would be unfeasible to maintain for the duration of the Gala. Fearing that a new penguin suit would be exorbitant, I was instead delighted to follow the Bournemouth Echo’s advice and procure an entire new ‘formal wardrobe’ from TK Maxx in The Quadrant Centre at a very reasonable cost of £84.97.

Whilst browsing for a clip-on bow tie at the ‘factory outlet’ I could not help but notice some discounted swimming trunks in a parallel aisle and, ever mindful of the merits of reserve beachwear given that we reside in such close proximity to the seafront, bought a Hawaiian-style twin pack. Said adjacency serendipitously affords us the lagniappe of, as vocalised  in another of your hits, "staying out for the summer" (although we are not quite so enthused about "playing games in the rain", preferring when it is overcast, drizzly or thunderstorming to resort to dry lounge or conservatory-hosted tournaments of Hungry Hippo, Pictionary or Jenga). As enjoyable as a prolonged exposure to the warmest season is however, I have been perennially cautious of exposing my bare flesh to its effects ever since disregarding the advice of my Senior Officer, two Telok Ayer Market chefs, a miscreant Taoist and several rickshaw pilots after being compulsorily enrolled into National Service in Singapore prior to my apprenticeship as a proofer, and consequently suffering severe heatstroke. I will not now "stay in the light" unless fully protected by tanning lotion given that, in order not to foolhardily undergo a similar solar attack, "drenched in heat" is not "where I long to be". You are however correct in your assertion that I "don’t have to suffer" providing that the appropriate shield has been applied. Being olive-skinned and employing Von Luschan's chromatic scale for dermatological classification I tend to use no less than a factor 15 deterrent (preferably Ambre Solaire although I am equally amenable to Piz Buin), and thus far have experienced no ill-effects.  

In conclusion, Dodgy, I can offer no guarantee that all or any of your ‘indie trio’ would find tortoiseshell with a gold metal rim to your personal preference, or that allowances made for the slight astigmatism in my right eye as well as some deficiencies in my peripheral vision would match your own prescriptions. Similarly (and politeness permits me from alluding to the girth of any of your personnel in particular) that my current 44-46” chest and 38”waist measurements, if used as yardsticks for your own tailoring when garment shopping, would lead to anything other than acute discomfort, both aesthetically and in actuality. Finally, that judging from the front cover of your ‘The Collection’ album and assuming that you are all on the lower end of the afore-mentioned pigmentation gauge, you would not endure radiation induced irritation or worse if duplicating my preventative selection. I am afraid therefore that I have no alternative but to strongly suggest that that piece be re-titled “If It’s Good Enough For Me, It May Be Sufficient To Your Own Requirements Subject To Minor Alterations Allowing For Individual Taste, Overall Health, Vital Statistics And/Or Exposure And Tolerance To Potentially Harmful UV Rays”.

I look forward to reading reports of the adjustment in favourable reviews pertaining to your forthcoming 'UK Tour'.

Yours sincerely

Derek Philpott

 

 

Reply from Dodgy received 6/2/14

 

Hey Derek,

Much appreciate your explanation of the lyrics to Good Enough, they've been baffling the band for 18 years now.


Keep it up

Math and Dodgy x

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