Dear Diamond Head

Re: ''Am I Evil?''

One of Jean's friends from the Gala Bingo, Margaret Molland, is, apparently, a 'holistic Reiki therapist' and keen advocate of herbal medicine. She had us all asking after her well-being when she turned up to 'Eyes Down Tuesday' last week with a bandage around her fingers. from the tea towel slipping when removing four cuts of lamb from the oven. The only saving grace to the incident was that the appliance (''It's Electric'') was able to be turned off before any further damage could be done.

Her vocation and dinner mishap ''In The Heat Of The Night', Diamond Head, are probably the closest approximation that I believe we have ever seen to your mother, who, according to you 'seminal N.W.O.B.H.M. anthem', was a witch who was burned alive.

We are slightly concerned, however, given that to the best of our knowledge the last recorded execution was in 1684 (some 297 years before your excellent recording), to hear that sorceress scalding had been revived, especially given that we are surprised not to have read about it at some point in the Bournemouth Echo or seen it on The One Show. We initially and admittedly quite irrationally surmised that perhaps you had partaken of some kind of longevity or immortality-granting elixir as prescribed by your maternal virago and that you had been privy by her despatch in the 17th Century. A response however to a Facebook message to 'Krusher Joule' confirms that not only are any of you yet to reach pensionable age, but, contrary to the perplexing self-answered question (''Yes I Am'') posed in the title of your 'headbanger favourite', you are in actuality a ''a great bunch of lads and always first with their hands in their pockets at the aftershow''.

In conclusion, therefore, my wife and I are confused pertaining to both your overly strident self-malevolency labelling and your enchantress charring witness claims.

With regard to the former and based on the aforementioned testimonial, you may feel entirely justified in releasing the far less justly deprecatory and entirely accurate ''I'm Alright, I Am''.

 

In relation to the latter, there unfortunately is rather a pressing need to reply to this letter or ''Call Me'' as soon as you are able. Far be it from our intention to unnecessarily hassle a harridan, or, for that matter worry a Wiccan, but Margaret is looking to drum up business for her presently home-based Practice in order that she may expand to external premises. She will be ''Helpless'' if there has indeed been an about turn in Pagan persecution of which we were unaware. It is therefore best that we inform her of any advertising folly prior to her putting her cards in local newsagents' windows, especially given that, owing to her admirable adherence to Yogic disciplines, her remarkable breath control could well backfire on the ducking stool.

If however the aforementioned incineration was unrelated to occultist tendencies and instead resultant of a domestic accident such as attempting to ''Shoot Out The Lights'' rather than turning them off or generating ''Lightning to the Nations'' in response to the soaring fuel costs of fat-cat utility companies, then, whilst frowning upon such reckless safety flouting, you have our deepest condolences

Yours


Derek Philpott

 

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