Dear Cutting Crew
Re: I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
I must say that I am utterly dumbfounded by the above statement. Aside from being grammatically dubious, it simply cannot be true. I am certain that I would recall such a grisly incident; in addition, my wife Olive would have been most alarmed to witness my return from an evening in your company holding a male corpse. As for 'something I said' being the cause of your demise I would simply state that even a rudimentary grasp of biology would give lie to your assertion that one can pass away from being spoken to while hugged.
In addition, I can only infer that you believe your vocal delivery to be posthumous, and I am unwilling to entertain such a ghostly notion. In future, I suggest that you title your pop "hits" more carefully, in order to create a more authentic scenario.
Failing this, I would recommend that you become hairdressers, perhaps specialising in “crew cuts”; during quiet periods it would be possible to rehearse your harmonies, rather like a modern-day "barber shop choir". I personally would visit such an establishment in the Summer months, providing that your "haircuts" were of a similar standard to your splendid vocals.
Yours
