Dear Bow Wow Wow
Re: C30 C60 C90 Go!
I apologise. The purpose of this letter is not actually to engage you in a canine conversation but instead to offer guidance as to how your ''tribal hit'' could be updated to appeal to the current market of pop fans, as well as expressing some grave concerns pertaining to your behaviour.
In a manner not dissimilar to that which I recently recommended to Bonnie Tyler, The Buggles and Elton John, the reappraisal of past 'chart entries' to reflect the redundancy of outmoded formats whilst at the same time embracing current technological advances is one from which I am adamant (by which I mean positive, and not that I am Adam Ant), Bow Wow Wow, that you would benefit. As in the cases of ''Lost In France But Was Luckily Able To Access Multimap On My iPhone To Pinpoint My Whereabouts'', ''DVD Killed The Video Star But Was Then Itself Superceded By Online Streaming'', and, less arguably, ''Halogen Bulb In The Wind'', I feel "Mp3 1 gigabyte, Mp3 2 gigabyte, Mp3 3 gigabyte Start" to be a most 'with it' digital, non easily tangleable modernisation of your antiquated original.
Upon acceptance of my advice, I must insist that several disagreeable elements be omitted from your new 'version'. Admittedly, not being trained in converting long magnetic strip spooled musical storage containers into portable rocket launchers I am not familiar with quite how your cassette is just like a bazooka ( "a bit bam-boogie and a booga-rooga" ), but am extremely concerned, especially given that personal stereo systems are still permitted on commercial flights, regarding the unsavoury attention that your audiotape housing to armour piercing artillery cannon modification expertise may draw from terrorist groups.
I also harbour considerable reservations pertaining to your self-thwarted efforts to be taken into custody for copyright infringement. According to your statement, a policeman stopped you in your tracks and said "Hey you, you can't tape that'' before informing you that "you're under arrest 'cause it's illegal". If your self-incriminatory confession to home recording via numerous television appearances could not be construed as foolhardy enough, to then compound this aberration by obstructing the officer in the course of his duty by shoving him off and blowing his whistle beggars belief when considering that such an exhaled alert is specifically designed to attract other constables to a disturbance, thus potentially hindering your absconsion from the scene (which is not, incidently, to be condoned). Furthermore, taking into account that this form of distress signaller was replaced by most forces in 1969 by the hand-held radio or "walkie-talkie'', it cannot be ruled out that you were interloped by a crazed imposter, hence your assault could have therefore placed you in great retaliatory danger.
I am confident that if the above infringements are 'erased', you will succeed in reaching a new audience with an 'updated mix' that I for one would be delighted not to obtain by the dubious 'hit it, pause it, record it' method but via a legimately downloaded purchase at a cost of between 79-90 pence. As you correctly state, an album rack is not necessary, and indeed, since the aforementioned compendium of cartridges which you previously boasted of carrying over your back as a presumed inference to their compact nature has now been surpassed by a non-tangible successor, it will fit quite easily into a 'virtual folder' in my personal computer and take up no physical space whatsoever.
On an unrelated note, Bow Wow Wow, I must take umbrage at your suggestion that I go wild in the country where snakes in the grass are absolutely free, on the basis that the non-incarceration of elongated reptiles is scant excuse to drop litter and stray from designated rambling paths.
Forgive me for not corresponding further but my wife Jean is rather insistent that I pop out for some chocolate, so a bligger, a blagger, a blippity-blop, I'm going down to the paper shop!
Reply from Dave Barbarossa, received 31/1/14
I was delighted with your fine, futuristic 'gigabyte' based review of C30, C60, C90 GO! A right ol' favourite of mine and a fair few others.
For today's younger folk, I suggest 'Cauldronated's' 'iBossa'. Here's their video. They are waiting in their bunker for another of your incisive opinion pieces.