Dear 'Black'

Re: Wonderful Life and Sweetest Smile


Please do not take this as a personal slight, 'Black', but just before Christmas I was absolutely dismayed to receive your 'CD single' in the post by recorded delivery, not because the maudlin Standard Life theme tune is displeasing to the ear, but owing to the foreboding confirmation that my wrong click on the Amazon shop whilst pre-occupied by Jasper Carrott's climactic split or steal round on 'Goldenballs' had indeed deprived my sister-in law Maureen of her favourite James Stewart film in time for her birthday. Rather than discard the item however, I listened to it and found it to be most pleasant, on the whole, although admittedly I found your comment referring to gulls in the sky and in your blue eyes to be somewhat jarring, in that although I am used to seeing said scavenging chip-stealers at high altitude on Bournemouth sea front, I am yet to see any absorbed through the cornea of a modern balladeer. (If it is of any consolation, however, I have even more convoluted issues with Ms. Bush, who claims the repeated presence, with scant to no evidence, of an adult male afflicted with an entire minor embedded into an organ averaging just 24 millimetres in diameter). Encouraged by your ''rich vocal'' and ''xylophonesque soundscape'' to investigate further, I soon located your other hit, with which, regrettably, I have major concerns.


On a positive note, I am gratified to be in a position to both allay your angst and bestow edification via the informed revelation that the collective consensus pertaining to the traumatic cessation of amatory consanguinity warrants scant justification to surmise that your cardiac muscle is but a dollop of hardened mud. It is, 'Black', in actuality, a pliable pump fashioned from sinuous fibres, and it is said construct that enables efficacious expansion and contraction. Kaolin, especially when baked, has earned a deserved reputation for being inordinately immalleable, hence decimation is the only feasible outcome for any attempts at oscillation that it may undergo. Ergo, contrary to your lugubrious bewailment, your heart must not be made of clay because everyone said it would be broken some day.


In relation to your wish to be made of wood so that you might not feel pain, I must posit that you are probably not au fait with the work of Professor Stanislaw Karpinski from the Warsaw University of Life Sciences in Poland, whose experiments involving shining light on leaves offer a compelling argument for the presence of a central nervous system in plants, rendering said rather fanciful aspiration to be hewn from a tree in an attempt to circumvent physical discomfort rather futile.


Finally, I hope you will forgive my exasperation-sourced impertinence with reference to your outlandish pronouncement regarding the sweetest smile melting butter in a dish, on the basis that, unless I have overlooked some revolutionary breaking news in the 'Tech' section of The Huffington Post, the heated liquefaction of solid dairy produce by means of flexing the ends of one's mouth alone, no matter how pleasing on the eye, is not feasible at the time of writing.


On an unrelated matter, 'Black', I have noticed an increasing and successful trend of late in 'pop star collaborations' and would like to propose a novel 'take' on this genre in your case which may prove handsomely remunerative. Eschewing Blue, by approaching other recording artists who are also known as single colours and amalgamating your monickers, new 'one-off super groups' could be formed, named after said tinging coalescences. Considering your impressive boast of writing a new song every day, I would wager that you should have ample material for countless lucrative hue-compound confederacies. Admittedly 'Mustard' ('Black' mixed with 'Yello')'and 'Mauve' ('Black' mixed with 'Pink') are the only two unions that spring to mind at the moment, and I am just about to watch 'Police, Camera, Action!' over stuffed mushrooms and thus cannot dedicate any more time to the project, but I am sure that the 'personal assistant' that all you pop stars seem to have could assist further

Good Luck!

Yours

 

Derek Philpott

 

Reply from Colin Vearncombe Received 4/3/2014

 

Dear Derek,

 

Glad you enjoyed a bit of my music so much that it got you befuddled

 

Don't worry about it...it's probably the age (or maybe not using the noggin enough?)

 

Sorry, though. Standard Life Assurance do not have a 'theme' (though it's a nice idea). I recall they DID use one of my songs in an ad campaign; not too bad visuals and a nice paycheck for me (hurrah!). Perhaps that's what you mean?

 

Enough! Bored of talking about me again

 

Best

 

CV

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